Author: jacquixox

When my dog Billy went for a routine teeth clean at the vet clinic recently, the veterinarian found a suspicious lump in his jaw.   The lump was tested, and it was the worst news.  My beloved fur baby has cancer.   It is apparently inoperable, and whilst there are currently no symptoms that we can see, the cancer will undoubtedly spread.

Billy’s diagnosis was a few weeks ago now, and so far, he seems as happy and healthy as always.  But we have changed, in response to the news that Billy is unlikely to be with us for too much longer.

We have become a lot more forgiving of Billy’s annoying little foibles like jumping up at visitors and dispatching every cushion on the sofa onto the floor.   We find ourselves going on dog walks whenever Billy looks longingly at his lead, whether we feel like it or not, and he enjoys roast chicken (his favourite food) for his dinner each night.

When I come home from work, I greet Billy, not in the distracted way that I often used to, at the same time as reading the mail or putting shopping away.  These days, I drop to his level, look him in the eyes and tell him what a good boy he is.

It is so bittersweet watching Billy enjoy his best life, in the certain knowledge that he does not have many happy days left.  Although it is so sad knowing just how precious the time we have left is, it is, in its way a blessing that we have this knowledge.

When Billy does eventually cross the rainbow bridge, there will be comfort in the knowledge that the time we had together was quality time and that Billy knew, in his own doggy way, just how well he was loved.

I have been pondering on the life lesson that this situation has presented me.   How much have I taken for granted the precious people in my life?  How often have I given them half-hearted attention instead of fully connecting and truly being in the moment with them?  How many opportunities have I overlooked to let those closest to my heart know that I love them by my words and actions?

How much regret would I feel if one of my nearest and dearest were taken from me suddenly, for what I hadn’t said or done?

Heavy questions and ones that have spurred me to take stock of how I engage with the world.  I am consciously applying the lessons I have learnt over the last few weeks by being more present, seeking to make each connection with those I care for a positive experience for them and to keep the expression of love front and centre in my approach.

It costs nothing to take the time to tell my special people that I love them.  To hug with abandon. To take the time to find out how my friends and colleagues really are, and to really listen when they respond. 

None of us quite know what is around the corner, and we should never risk missing the opportunity to be loving, kind and grateful for the wealth we have in our relationships.

I haven’t been motivated to write lately.   In my part of the world we are in the depths of winter.   The last few weeks have been full of buffeting winds, Arctic (or more correctly Antarctic) chill and rain, rain, rain.   Did I mention that we have had more than a fair share of rain?

We are past the shortest day marker, but I am still leaving home in the dark each morning and arriving home in the dark, so it is only in the weekend that I see my home in daylight.

So then I am reminded that the garden, too boggy to work in has sprouted many and varied weeds.  The pathways have become grimy with winter mould and there is much pruning to be done.   It seems so unfair that life carries on the garden regardless of the fact that there is little opportunity for a working girl to spend time outside in the few precious daylight hours in the weekend.

I am sure that I would enjoy the gifts of winter (and I am sure there are many), so much more, if I didn’t have to spend so much time away from home.

By the time we get to Springtime, the work that needs to be done both inside and outside the home can seem insurmountable. 

But that is for later.  I have decided, as I always do, to surrender to the dark, the cold and the damp and retreat inside and just take things easy until the earth and I burst with new energy in the Spring.

And that won’t be too far away.   My dear friend Daphne has bloomed to remind me of more temperate days ahead.

I read many years ago, that everyone should plant a Daphne bush outside their front door to ensure a fragrant welcome on every return home.  I am so glad I took note of the advice.  There are few flowers with the intense perfume of the flowers of this wee shrub. 

And now that Daphne has made her appearance, I know that the daffodils and freesias and the longer days that follow are not too far away.

Much of what we do at this time of the year can be viewed as an investment to be realised in the sunnier days ahead.   With this in mind I have planted garlic outside in the cold, dark earth that fingers crossed, will bear fat new bulbs by the longest day in December.

I am being mindful of what I am eating and whilst being gentle with my body am limiting the amount of carbohydrates and sugars in my meals.  I make sure that I drink plenty of water even though I never feel as thirsty as I do on a hot summer’s day.  When the weather is kind enough I wrap up warm and venture outside for regular, brisk walks.

Even though there doesn’t appear to be a lot of sun, I make sure that I never skip applying sunscreen to my face and hands and slathering moisturiser on limbs that don’t even see the light of day.

I have learnt that maintenance of basic disciplines over the winter months will ease the transition into the new season.

Simple pleasures, easy self-care routines and the promise of warmer days.   Sometimes that is all that is required.

Is there anything more perfect than a fine winter’s day?   This morning I was greeted with bright sunlight and a clear, blue sky.   It is cold, very cold, but the weather made it so inviting to go outside.

You take advantage of the days that you can venture outside at this time of year.   This morning, my dog got an extra long walk around the neighbourhood.   On such a crisp, cold day, with frost underfoot, the world feels fresh and new.

There are many things to love about winter.   The opportunity to spend long, cosy hours inside is of course one of the main benefits.   I love the simple pleasures that make this season so comforting.   Cosying up in front of a warm fire, the hot drinks, warm baths, the hours spent reading books, the quietness now that the summer sounds of people enjoying life outside are no longer intruding.

I envy the little furry creatures that get to hibernate through winter.   If I had my own way, I would retreat into my sanctuary at the close of autumn and remain closeted away from the world, warm and safe inside my nest.

I wish.

Whilst hibernation is not a practical option, there are many ways to cosy up at home during the colder months and this season lends itself to some delicious treats for the senses.

This beautiful day with sunshine and blue sky, called for spending an idle hour near the sea enjoying an ice cream.  The salted caramel and cashew nut ice cream was divine and well worth the additional chill which soon melted away with a wander along the pier under the sun.

Winter is the time to indulge oneself with the incomparable comfort of the onesie and thick, furry bed socks.  It is the season of soups, slow-cooking and hot self-saucing chocolate puddings.  It is time to paint your nails blood red, to reach for the knitting basket and to binge on feel-good tv series as the nights close in early.

Whilst it is not a time to spend too much time in the garden, except for the very hardy, I always make sure that I have several posts of pansies to keep the garden bright and beautiful.  Their cheerful little, velvety faces are one of my favourite pleasures and something I always look forward to in anticipation as the days get shorter.

There is much to delight the soul and senses in this season, with much of it less costly than the price of an ice-cream cone.

I have felt a little out of sorts over this last week.  I have been back at work for a few weeks now and am certainly missing the languid days of lockdown, where life was leisurely and I could decide how much or how little I wanted to do each day.  

There was no rustling around in the dark in the early mornings and heading out the door before daylight.  No traffic or other people woes, nothing too taxing for the mind to worry about and certainly no mid-afternoon naps.

It is true that I have had to be more mindful of my energy stores, ensuring that every day includes nourishing, healthy food and some gentle exercise.  But until now, I have been able to maintain a steady state of positivity and sense of well-being.

I’m not sure what has been different about the last week.  I have felt niggly, anxious and altogether discombobulated (a most fabulous word don’t you think?).  I have had passing feelings of sadness and have found myself worrying and feeling tense.

Life is never perfect, for anyone.  I worry about my husband, who lost his job before the pandemic at a time when jobs are simply not being advertised and unemployment is set to skyrocket.  I worry about my parents, who are elderly and becoming more frail by the day.  I worry about my kids and my dog and all of things that I want to do but never seem to have the time and energy to tackle.

After a few days of this, I had a kind, but firm word with myself.  There is much that keeps my mind spinning out of control, that is actually outside of my ability to change.  So why worry?  It is a pointless exercise.

I know that feelings come from thoughts, so it is time perhaps to overhaul my thinking.

I often find that the key to promoting better feelings is to focus on what I am grateful for.  So rather than get upset that my husband is out of a job, I can feel grateful that I still have employment and we can still live comfortably by being a little more careful with our money.

I am grateful that my family are all in good health, that our grown up daughter is coming to stay with us for a couple of nights because she enjoys the company of her parents.   That is something to be truly grateful for when so many parents live far away from their children or have a fractured relationship with them.   I am grateful that I have a warm, cosy house now that the weather is becoming more wintry and I am fortunate that my cupboards are full.  I am in fact, truly blessed.

It is so easy to find in life what you expect to find.   If you expect to find yourself in a place of lack, then you will find yourself wanting.   If you expect to find yourself in a place of bounty, then your cup will invariably runneth over.

Have you noticed that if you go out with a smile on your face, that you receive the warmth of the smiles of the strangers you pass in the street?  And that the opposite happens if you wear a scowl.

I like to practice expecting to find beauty where you would least expect it.  And I am rarely disappointed.  

Whilst I was in my mental funk I made myself put on my rose tinted glasses and went to my local high street.   There is typically nothing there too aesthetically pleasing, aside from a few artful window displays, so I was thrilled to find a single tree bedecked by some colourful soul with big beautiful pom poms.   It was so out of place and so joyful, it made my day.

And so, having had a quiet work with myself, I will continue to focus only on the good, the positive and the beautiful and be sure in the knowledge that wonderful things will happen.

When I was at home during the period of lockdown, I spent many gentle hours of journaling, day dreaming and simply focusing on those things that make me feel happy.  At the end of the four weeks I spent at home, I felt grounded  with renewed clarity of what is important to me without the distractions and obligations of the outside world.

My home was an oasis of calm that held me close and safe for the duration and I had time and energy to clean out my closets and home make to my heart’s content. 

Surrounded by my books, family photos, gifts, travel treasures and objects chosen simply because they make my heart glad, it is easy to feel at peace.

As I have mentioned before, I thrived during lockdown. Although I felt guilty given the truly terrible impact of the virus on people’s lives and the economy, I was in my happy place.  I could have remained in a state of quarantine indefinitely.   So long as I had a constant supply of good books, knitting projects and pantry full of ingredients, I would be fine.

Even when I was able to return to the shops, my focus was very much on blessing my home with little touches of bijoux.  Case in point are the dear little pots of ivy and button ferns I now have dotted around my house.

As happy as I have been in my domestic situation, the return to work was inevitable.

I have been mindful of my surroundings over the last few weeks, and it is clear that it is important to me that my sanctuary is restful, beautiful and nurturing.  

A small bunch of flowers makes my soul smile, as does a touch of pink, a comfortable throw and beautiful china cup.

On my return to work, I decided to take some of that homely, feminine spirit back with me.

I spend much of my day at a desk while at work, and in an office setting that it is fair to say is quite soulless.

So on leaving my bubble, I took to work a few, new essentials.  My desk is now beautified with a sweet little diffuser scented with French Pear.  Next to this is a pump dispenser of luxury hand cream of the same fragrance.  I have had feedback already about how beautiful my office smells.

I have chosen my favourite family photo and had this printed in black and white, set in a simple white frame.  This memory of happy times centres me and keeps me focused on what in life is really important on those occasions when the day feels out of control.

I have a lovely china cup, cream in colour and embossed with bees for my Earl Grey tea.  There is a small pot of faux pink blooms to the side of my monitor and a pink pashmina draped over the back of my chair to throw around my shoulders when the air conditioning turns the air chill.

I have a small, white bowl which has been repurposed as a work day fruit bowl and a water bottle of a fondant pink hue.

It is most certainly not a home away from home, but having a little bit of home style luxe and a touch of chic in the office makes for a more senses satisfying experience.

What is it that sustains you when you are away from home?

What a difference a couple of weeks can make.   With the downscaling of restrictions, I have been able to return to work, and have been back at work for two weeks now.

It has been a different experience, with most people who can work, still working from home. I work in Wellington, which is the capital, and the trains, buses and streets have been so, so quiet.   It will be a gradual return to the new normality, that’s for sure.

In the last few days, restrictions have lifted even further, and shops, cafes, restaurants and bars are able to open again, as long as physical distancing can still be maintained.  Citizens are able to travel more widely, and to expand their bubble to include an increased, small number of people.

I have paid close attention to what I have missed during the lockdown, and what I have sought out as soon as I was able.  It has been an exercise of reaffirming what I value and what is not really that important.

I watched with interest the clamour of many to get early appointments with their hairdresser and nail salons.  With my new home grown hair and nail care routines, I find that I am quite content in my state of low maintenance.   Having succumbed to my silvers a few years ago, I am in no need of a roots touch up.  I learnt to cut my own hair during lockdown and my gel nails are history that I feel no need to repeat at this point.  The stress associated with the dependence of others to ensure that I look presentable has passed me by.

So what was it that I did miss and craved most to have when I could again venture out of my bubble and into the world?  I wasn’t too surprised to find out that the answer was flowers.  I really, really missed flowers.  A small bunch of daisies, an indoor flowering plant and pansies for the garden.  How I love their sweet, little faces.

My other must haves were a catch up with my family, a newly published vegetarian cookbook and a drive away from the suburbs and along the coast.

I won’t lie, I did succumb to the odd session of internet shopping, but nothing too much.  And I did make the conscious decision to support local businesses and bought locally made goods. 

I haven’t felt any desire to hit the shops or cafes since the restrictions have lifted, which is a habit I am keen to maintain.

Simple pleasures really are the best pleasures is what I have learnt over the last few weeks.  Family, the call of the sea, the pleasure of cooking and the beauty of nature.  All of the things that money can’t buy.

In my previous lockdown diary post, I talked about my learnings from this enforced period of isolation and my plan for exercising greater discernment when normal life (or whatever constitutes normal life after lockdown) is reinstated.

I am guilty to the charge of having bought into the cult of busy in the past.  Partly I suspect that this is as a result of my being a bit of an adrenaline junkie.   I have thrived under the pressure of juggling so many balls and pushing myself hard to the finish line.   At least I thought I was thriving.

There is also little doubt that we define ourselves by what we do, and there is a degree of bragging rights about how much we are handling both at work and at home.

The health, the mental clarity and peace that I have experienced over the last few weeks is as a direct consequence of not being busy and by allowing myself the opportunity to do the things that make my soul sing. 

Quiet hours reading, knitting a snood, taking long walks, baking a cake, none of these activities are boast worthy.  None of them make my pulse beat faster or give me a visceral sense of achievement.  But it is simple pleasures like these that centre me and connect me to my authentic self.  

I have discovered the art of doing nothing.  Simply pottering, with no aim or objective.   It has taken a little while to do so without feeling guilt, but again, the benefits have been manifested in a deep sense of relaxation and calm.

I have connected again with my home as my haven, a place I enjoy being and not just somewhere to be when there is nowhere better to go.

There is space in my days to breathe, and just to be.   I want to keep this space.

So, things will have to change.

I don’t have all the answers but I am prepared to make a start.

Softly, softly will be the approach.  Focusing first on my physical self, it will mean making movement a priority.   Blocking out regular time in my work calendar to go for a run or walk, and keeping this time sacrosanct.  Everyone is entitled to a break during the work day and I intend to stop gifting this to appointments that could easily fit either side of my designated personal time.

It means maintaining the habit I have now developed of drinking water instead of coffee.  It is making my own healthy lunches and not falling into the trap of falling ravenously on a carbo and calorie dense but impossible to resist cheese scone from a local café.

It means being mindful of the time eater that is the internet.  No more losing hours to endless scrolling when I could be enjoying a blissful bath or book, or both.  It means doing less.   Or nothing at all.

It means developing a more relationship as opposed to task centric approach to life.  Taking the time to nurture relationships and making that a priority above all other things.  Who cares if the floors don’t get washed, really?  This also includes the relationship I have with myself.

It means spending more time at home.   I know that may sound a little crazy when we have spent the last month nowhere else but home.  But it is at home and not at the shops or the café or the after work drinks that I have found my true happy place.

One step at a time as we get close to the lockdown being lifted.   I go back to work next week, so will take the first steps on this new and exciting journey.

I hope you will join me.

I saw a quote today that resonated with me.   It went something like, ‘In the rush to return to normal, use this time to consider which parts of normal are worth rushing back to.’

The last few weeks has changed all of our lives dramatically.   Most of us are prevented from working outside of our homes, if we can work at all.   We have limited access to the world outside of our bubble and the smorgasbord of everything that is generally available to us, be it takeaways, shopping, sports and entertainments, or any number of services, are currently off the table.  We are limited in terms of who we can interact with and life has generally become much slower.

Slow living.   Something that I constantly dreamed about before life in lockdown.   And not just for a day or a week, but weeks and weeks where nothing is required to be done at any pace and anything that I choose to do I can take as long as I like to do it.

I have had the time and space to choose some daily practices that have evolved, without any other conflicting priority to develop into habits.   I no longer have to consciously remind myself to sip hot water in the mornings, read at least a page of words that enrich my life or throw on my running shoes when the weather allows for it.   I just do these things naturally and without thinking.

I am loving the opportunity to indulge myself in creative pastimes.   I have finished painting a still life, picked up my knitting and spent many happy hours in the kitchen.

I have lost myself in books for days including honouring the promise I made myself years ago to read classic books that I have yet to read and which have stood the test of time.  I have read Sylvia Plath and am now buried in a Virginia Woolf.

I have relished enjoying my home.  Its cosiness and functionality.   It has been such a joy to stay indoors, wearing soft cotton leisure wear and a pair of woolly bed socks – all day if I want, with as many coffee breaks and naps as I want.

Glorious days indeed.

Don’t get me wrong.   I am looking forward to getting back to normal life.   I miss my family, my job and the ability to go and buy a coffee.   But if I want to hold onto the elements that have formed my ‘happy place’ in lockdown life some changes will need to be made.

Which brings me to ‘which parts of normal are not worth rushing back to?’  And what do I need to do to form a ‘new normal?’

Fundamentally, for me, my focus going forward will be to achieve balance and energy.   Life before lockdown was clearly out of kilter.

I spend a lot of time at work and there is no getting away from this, not unless I make a radical life change which is simply not possible at the present time.  

Under lockdown, I have felt relaxed, grounded and far more centred.   I want to carry that forward with me. This will require a greater investment in those activities that recharge my batteries.  Exercise, time to read, to be creative, to stay at home or to do nothing at all.   Time that I might have considered to be wasted pre-lockdown, is possibly time spent doing what is actually the most important.

So how will I make sure that I have enough time in the future to allow me to slow time down, whilst still doing everything that I need to do?

I believe that the answer will be found in mastering the art of discernment and distancing myself from the cult of busy.

More on this in my next Lockdown Diary entry.

We are well into week three of lockdown.   Life has taken on its own rhythm and what was so important a month or so ago seems far less so in this strange new life.

If you had asked me a few weeks ago, how possible it would be limit purchases to groceries only for a period of at least a month, I would have said that would be impossible.   But here we are, three weeks in and the only items we have bought have been from the supermarket.  And most strangely, I am not missing shopping for non-essential items one little bit!

The savings made as a consequence of this period of quarantine has been an unexpected boon.   But the biggest positive has been the sense of community that we seem to have achieved almost overnight.

We are all in this together, is the underlying narrative for sure, but the humour, the kindness, the friendliness from anyone encountered on the daily walk around the neighbourhood has been so heart-warming.   Faith in human nature has been well and truly restored.

Whilst we are feeling that much closer to people who are essentially strangers to us, it is important that we carry this sense of good will to others in our own space as well.

I am lucky that I am sharing this period of lockdown with only one other, my husband.

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I was concerned that the enforced closeness had the potential for things to become occasionally tense between us, but I am happy to report that this hasn’t been the case at all.

I am not blind to the fact that we don’t always present ourselves in our own environment as we do when we are outside of the home.  Sometimes we leave our best person at work.   I find that if I pause before I respond to my nearest and dearest with the internal check of ‘would I respond like this to a colleague’, my responses are often tempered with greater kindness and respect than they would have been if left unchecked.

So I have been focusing on my communications with family over this time including a bigger dose of kindness than I might ordinarily do.

Everyone is coping in their own individual way, and whoever really knows how stressed and anxious others may be feeling?   A extra sprinkling of kindness is the very least we can offer.

It is important that this kindness is also extended to ourselves.   Every day is the same at the moment, this is true, but how we feel as we approach it may be different each day.

If my inner domestic goddess wants to cook up a storm and clean out every closet on one day, then I indulge her, but if the next day it is difficult dragging myself from the comfort of the couch, then this is absolutely ok.  We must treat ourselves with the same degree of consideration that we give to others.  This is so important.

We all need hugs and kindness as we go through these strange days, and there are no limits on how much of this we can bring into our homes and lives.   Kindness really is an essential service.

In this state of lockdown, grooming has become an exercise in simplicity.

In my normal life, I wear make-up each day, I visit a nail salon every couple of weeks for a manicure and new colour.   I enjoy infrequent facials and occasionally splash out on some lotion or potion to enhance my beauty regime.

In my lockdown life, there seems little point in wearing make-up, and the salons, hairdressers and nail-bars are out of bounds.  

I haven’t let myself go completely to seed, I hasten to add.   There are some non-negotiable habits that I maintain, regardless of whether or not I am in quarantine.

I couldn’t consider not shaving my legs, for example.   That would be a step too far!  I also  apply moisturiser and body lotion each day, sun-screen on my face and hands and a spritz of scent.

I am enjoying giving my skin a rest from cosmetics and have been treating it to regular home-facials.  To be fair, the end result is just as good as when I spend big bucks on getting a professional procedure.

The current lockdown and the requirement to do things for ourselves has given my frugal heart licence for expression.

I am so very glad that I took the leap a couple of years ago to allow my hair to be its natural colour.   I was uncomfortable with the cost of having to visit the hairdresser so frequently to have my roots touched up.

I noticed my first silver hairs when I was in my 20s and at the time that I made the decision to embrace my silvers, I was having to touch up my roots every three weeks.

I won’t lie, growing out my dyed hair (brunette) to achieve a natural head of hair was excruciatingly slow.   But when I got there it was oh so liberating.   What surprised me the most was that I actually loved my new colour, it was a much better match for my skin tone and I received many compliments.   It has also saved me a swag of money.

The thought of living in lockdown with a growing stripe of regrowth and no way of getting my roots touched up would have been a source of agony to me a couple of years ago.

My hair still needs an occasional trim however, but with true pioneering spirit I have this week, researched how to cut my own hair by watching a YouTube tutorial.  I followed the instructions carefully and am very happy with the result.  

It is quite possible that I will have no need to visit a hair salon in the future.   Same with my nails.   There really is no need for me to visit a nail salon when I can achieve a similar result at home at a fraction of the cost.

There are so many ways that money can be saved in the pursuit of beauty and good grooming.

For example, yoghurt and honey mixed make a wonderful face mask, olive oil combined with a little salt makes an effective body scrub and coconut oil is a fabulous all-body moisturiser.  I use all of these homemade beauty product substitutes on a regular basis.

However, there are a few non-negotiable items that I can’t whip up in the kitchen and cannot live without.   I can’t live without sunscreen with a high SPF, which I wear on my face and back of my hands every day, rain or shine.   A facial moisturiser – not necessarily expensive, but necessary all the same.  A good eyeliner, black mascara and a nude, matte lipstick and that is all I really need.

Except for scent.   My biggest indulgence and must have is a nice perfume.

There are some things where cheap as chips is just as good as the equivalent at high end cost, but this principle does not apply to perfume.   My signature scent is Estee Lauder’s White Linen, and has been since I was 19.   I will never tire of the fresh floral fragrance of white flowers with green notes and what I imagine as the cool, crisp smell of springtime.

There is nothing that makes me feel more elegant and feminine.   Simple as that.   And given that I am l becoming ever more low maintenance in the beauty and grooming stakes as a result of lockdown and my own frugal tendencies, I contend that a little luxury is permissible.

With the money I have saved from doing my own hair and nails,  I can maybe plan on splashing out on a new scent to add to my stable, when life returns back to normal. 

Something to look forward to.